Ten years into raising four kids, I’ve seen my fair share of kids having rough moments, days, and even seasons.
When one of my kids is going through a rough patch, I’ve had success helping them get through it by using two tactics: praising positive behavior and spending focused one-on-one time connecting.
1The “caught you doing good” list
A few years ago, one of my kids was going through an especially difficult time. This child kept getting in trouble, and was defiant and angry a lot of the time. When I tried to hash it out in conversation, he declared, “I’m just a bad kid!”
I knew I had to find a way to help my child realize he was not a bad kid but a great kid, capable of doing good deeds every day. Knowing that “The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor,” I took it to prayer and asked God in Adoration to show me how to help my child realize he was a good kid after all.
And that’s when this idea just plopped into my brain: “Write down good things he does where everyone can see them.”
“Thanks, Lord,” I thought, then I went home and taped a piece of paper to the wall. I announced to my kids, “Today I’m going to write it down every time I see someone doing something good.”
At first, there were not a lot of good deeds happening, so I began with really minor things like “Joan got dressed right away” or “Jake cleared his place from the table without being reminded.” But as the list began to grow, my kids got excited about it.
From defiant child to good deed doer
My defiant child, in particular, seemed so encouraged to see his list of good deeds slowly getting longer. He began to put in more effort and do bigger and kinder deeds as the day went on. By the end of the day, I had filled the entire paper.
At that point, of course, all those good deeds had to be celebrated! I read the entire list to my husband at dinner, and my kids beamed with pride at hearing their kind acts shared aloud with Daddy, who until then often got a negative report instead. (And it turned out that getting a glowing report at the end of the day was as big a boost to my husband’s morale as to the kids’.)
We kept doing that every day for weeks until my child turned a corner with behavior. But I always keep that idea in my back pocket and pull it out whenever the children are having a particularly rough day.
Instead of taping paper to the wall, now I have a dedicated magnetic white board on the fridge for writing good deeds I catch the kids doing. But the magic always works: Nothing turns around a bad day faster than this little tactic.
2Special time
I first read about the concept of “special time” on Peaceful Parent Happy Kids years ago (this is a great site for parenting advice).
The concept is simple: Set a timer for 20 minutes, tell your child “We are going to spend special time together, just you and me! You can pick what we do,” and then put away your phone and focus on your child.
More than 20 minutes would be great, but 20 minutes is the most I’ve been able to manage with four kids. But even 15 minutes works wonders. There is something about having this focused one-on-one time that makes a child feel so seen and loved. Regular special time always helps my kids out of a rough patch.
Writing good deeds on the wall and “special time” have been such helpful tools in my parenting arsenal. What are your favorite ways to help a child through a rough patch?
